I wrote this last night after midnight, but couldn’t post it until now:

Today I helped clean the Goering house because they are having 4 missionary kids from Poland/America spend a few days there. It was nice to be able to really get my hands into something today and to help out in a more visible manner. And I had fun with the Goerings and their guests, and told Jesse some scary Pet Clinic stories about frozen pets in the freezer, and ears breaking off, and dogs suffocating in their owner’s armpits….people must think I am really odd.

I think the most interesting part of the day for me was just wrestling over some things internally and then taking a walk and really speaking to God about them. After cleaning, I left the Goering house for a bit and headed off to a new area for me…I walked around this bend, and then up through a little tree-filled area, and then under a small bridge and through part of a “suburb” of Dortmund with pretty traditional German architecture. I stopped at a little roadside chapel on the way, with a little cemetery, and then stumbled across another one later. So, I was walking and thinking that it’s hard to be completely honest with God. Lori had talked to me about some intense things, and I was feeling overwhelmed and a bit just weird. So, I was kind of having a conversation with Him, and I kind of heard myself saying something like, “Lord I want to do your will, but I didn’t realize it had to be so difficult sometimes, and I don’t like it.” Then it was God’s turn, and he said, “Do you really want to do my will?” “Yes” “Do you really??” “Urrrg…….yyyyyes,” I had to really force it out. It’s just interesting how when you hear yourself saying things that are honestly from your heart, sometimes they don’t sounds very intellectual, and they sound pretty dang selfish to be honest. But, when I am really honest with the Lord, I just feel like we’re having a little chuckle together because we both know how stupid I can be, but it’s okay. I’m not saying sin is okay of course, but it’s like we both know that I can be an idiot, and it’s not going to end our relationship.

So I turned into this beautiful little cemetery stuck inbetween some houses, with tall trees and bushes swaying in the breeze, and birds chirping loudly, enjoying a nice day, and sat down on a wooden bench toward the back, facing the street. I sat there for quite a while, and God just really, I don’t really know how to explain it, and I don’t want it to sound cliche or like “tada! everything’s fine and easy!”, but it’s like He really just sat down beside me on the bench, and reminded me of something that one of the young German girls I keep in touch with said to me in an email a week or two ago:

I’m there at home, where God wants me to be.