Last night I found myself fighting for my life.

I was in the jungle.

61st & Pinkney.

I walked up to Jess & Jill’s house and right there staring me in the face was the FREAKIEST spider I have EVER seen. This thing was a literal freak of nature, morphed by some sort of radiation from OPPD or something (for those of you not in this area, OPPD is the huge nuclear power plant that I can see from the hill by my house. And please, no, “Oh, that explains a lot,” comments). It had an arching, bulbous abdomen that made it look like some sort of nasty crab-spider mix, and its legs were so long and fast it looked like it was dancing the cha-cha.

Jess came outside, and got his kill-all-insect spray ready from 3 feet away. And just as he was about to pull the trigger from a safe distance, we heard this crazy jungle call in the distance, a raccoon calling out, “Death! Death to all humans!” At this point, I was getting a little nervous. Jess quickly started squirting the “spider,” and it got very still….and suddenly dove into this nervous sprint down his web. And as it was running with way too many legs, the porch light cast a sideways shadow of this thing onto Jess’ house that will probably haunt me for years to come. It looked like a monster.

*Shudder*

After I drove home, I walked down the stairs and there was a relative of this little monster hanging out on the wall to greet me. And then there were remnants of its siblings on my floor, thanks to my cat, Wyatt. Legs, legs, everywhere!

THEN! This morning I was delightfully and innocently enjoying some lovely cereal, and I looked and BAM! There was a dead teeny moth in my bowl.

The jungle…it’s taking over…