I’m sorry for the lack of writings lately. I am learning so much, but my thoughts have yet to make it onto the screen yet. God is continually revealing to me the depth of my own heart, and how turned away I am from His Kingdom. I see more and more how I love myself above all else, and that I am most interested in keeping “my kingdom” together and growing than counting my life as nothing for the sake of His. It is a deep and fruitful lesson when He teaches us how desperately we need Him, and I can only be thankful that He continues to open my eyes to what has been there all along, but only so much at a time so as I don’t despair. He is so loving and beyond what I can know.

I continue to be astounded that Jesus runs after me relentlessly as if to say, “I don’t CARE that you turned from me again, that you hurt me, and that you failed once again, I love you and you are my TREASURE. I will not withhold love from you to prove a point, nor make a name for myself at the sake of yours, but I will give up myself just to bring you love and freedom.” This kind of love is the type of love that restores and redeems my heart, it is a pure and selfless love, and as I see it contrasted with my own heart, my love for Jesus reaches new depths.

My boss and friend passed this on to me last week as I grappled with loneliness, a reflection on Lent from Nouwen:

I have slowly become aware of what my Lenten practice might be. It might be the development of some type of ‘holy indifference’ toward the many small rejections I am subject to, and a growing attachment to the Lord and his passion. I am constantly surprised at how hard it is for me to deal with the little rejections people inflict on each other day by day…This atmosphere often leaves me with a feeling of being rejected and left alone. When I swallow these rejections, I get quickly depressed and lonely; and then I am in danger of becoming resentful…

But maybe all of this is the other side of a deep mystery, the mystery that we have no lasting dwelling place on this earth and that only God loves us the way we desire to be loved. Maybe all these small rejections are reminders that I am a traveler on the way to a sacred place where God holds me in the palm of his hand.” (Nouwen, Gracias!)