I’m sorry for the lack of writings lately. I am learning so much, but my thoughts have yet to make it onto the screen yet. God is continually revealing to me the depth of my own heart, and how turned away I am from His Kingdom. I see more and more how I love myself above all else, and that I am most interested in keeping “my kingdom” together and growing than counting my life as nothing for the sake of His. It is a deep and fruitful lesson when He teaches us how desperately we need Him, and I can only be thankful that He continues to open my eyes to what has been there all along, but only so much at a time so as I don’t despair. He is so loving and beyond what I can know.

I continue to be astounded that Jesus runs after me relentlessly as if to say, “I don’t CARE that you turned from me again, that you hurt me, and that you failed once again, I love you and you are my TREASURE. I will not withhold love from you to prove a point, nor make a name for myself at the sake of yours, but I will give up myself just to bring you love and freedom.” This kind of love is the type of love that restores and redeems my heart, it is a pure and selfless love, and as I see it contrasted with my own heart, my love for Jesus reaches new depths.

My boss and friend passed this on to me last week as I grappled with loneliness, a reflection on Lent from Nouwen:

I have slowly become aware of what my Lenten practice might be. It might be the development of some type of ‘holy indifference’ toward the many small rejections I am subject to, and a growing attachment to the Lord and his passion. I am constantly surprised at how hard it is for me to deal with the little rejections people inflict on each other day by day…This atmosphere often leaves me with a feeling of being rejected and left alone. When I swallow these rejections, I get quickly depressed and lonely; and then I am in danger of becoming resentful…

But maybe all of this is the other side of a deep mystery, the mystery that we have no lasting dwelling place on this earth and that only God loves us the way we desire to be loved. Maybe all these small rejections are reminders that I am a traveler on the way to a sacred place where God holds me in the palm of his hand.” (Nouwen, Gracias!)

An old friend sent me this video yesterday.

I can relate to this post I just read today while distracting myself from some tedious work. The people that I am close to and who are in leadership spots in my life really value solitude and the sabbath. They are busy, but they take days, once a month or every 3 months, to go to a retreat center or a monastery to seek solitude and to pray and listen.

I want to do this too, but I admit that something in me really doesn’t enjoy the idea. If I’m alone all day I have no one to affirm me or keep me company. Something about sitting in silence all day seems uncomfortable. However, I know that this is a discipline that many that have come before us find vital in being a disciple of Jesus. At our women’s get-together last Saturday, Kay Osika told us that if we can’t honestly say we’re a disciple of Jesus, we should re-evaluate if we are truly Christians. She reminded us that the Bible interchanges the word Christian with disciple, and that this is not an easy, comfortable road. I’m reminded of stories that Tyler has told me of his time being discipled by our friend JD. He told me a couple times he didn’t like what JD had to say and would get up from the table with some choice words and leave, only to return the next week realizing that JD was right.

I don’t know if I can confidently call myself a disciple of Jesus. I know that there have been times in my life where I could, and even though I am confident in my acceptance and love in Jesus, and confident of being a daughter of God, I am a loose disciple at best.

I wanted to share some thoughts that I read on the Rabbit Room website today, written by Matt Conner. He wrote about what one of his friends said to him about leaving his solitude after only a couple hours:

“You failed. And don’t paint it any other way. You were afraid. It’s not a joke and it’s not something to pass off lightly. I’m disappointed in you because I know that you needed this. But you’re afraid of being alone and you left out of fear.” He was right. I’m afraid of what I look like when there’s nobody to impress. I’m afraid of what God might say to me or ask of me when I give him all the time in the world. I’m afraid of being, well, naked and ashamed as humans can tend to be.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. I look around and it’s hard to find anyone willing to endure the silence. I am surrounded by a culture refusing to allow stillness to find their soul, to allow themselves to be re-created. Wendell Berry says it best, I believe:

“There is indeed a potential terror of [silence]. It asks a man what is the use and what is the worth of his life. It asks him who he thinks he is, and what he thinks he’s doing, and where he thinks he’s going. In it the world and its places and aspects are apt to become present to him, the lives of water and trees and stars surround his life and press their obscure demands. Once it is attended to, admitted into the head one must bear a greater burden of consciousness and knowledge - one must change one’s life. If one has nothing within oneself with which to respond, it would be unbearable. If the silence within the man should be touched by the impenetrable silence that ultimately surrounds him, what might happen to the thin partition of flesh and possessions?

“In the face of that silence…no wonder he turns on the radio. No wonder he goes as fast as he can. Pursued into the wilderness by questions he is afraid even to ask, no wonder he finds his comfort - to his bewilderment, surely - in what he thought he wanted to be free of: crowdedness and commotion and hurry and mess.”

My thoughts exactly.

This is all taken from an article written by Wendy Alsup, which can be found on the Resurgence website.

She writes about what the ideal woman should look like if we are pursuing Our Father’s definition of what a “helper” truly is. She pushes into our Biblical definitions, and encourages us to analyze if we are pursuing them (or even ignoring them).

A woman of God is blessed with the extremely important role of faithfulness, loyalty, support, and intimacy with those that are in her life as leaders, most of all her husband. A God-seeking woman isn’t hindered by these things, but set free as she is embraced in her femininity and allowed to express that in strength, and also submission to a Godly man.

Wendy writes:

So let’s consider God’s example on this issue of Help. Do you see yourself exhibiting God’s characteristics or the contrasting ones? In Exodus 18:4, God our help defends (in contrast to attacking or ignoring the fight altogether). In Psalm 10:14 God our help sees and cares for the oppressed (rather than being indifferent and unconcerned). In Psalm 20:2 and 33:20, God our Help supports, shields and protects (rather than leaving unprotected and defenseless). In Psalms 70:5, God our Help delivers from distress (rather than causing distress). In Psalm 72:12-14, God our Help rescues the poor, weak, and needy (rather than ignoring the poor and needy). And in Psalm 86:17, God our Help comforts (rather than causing discomfort or avoiding altogether). God’s example reveals a high and worthy calling for women as helpers suitable to their male counterparts. We are called to show compassion, to support, defend and protect those in our care, to deliver from distress and to comfort. We are called to be conduits of God’s grace in our families and churches. We are called to be like God Himself – see Matthew 10:25 (KJV):

It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord…

I tried to embed a video of Mark Driscoll speaking about Joel Osteen’s teaching, but it messed up the layout of my website, so I have to post a link here.

I’d recommend watching it if you have heard of Osteen, have seen one of his many best-seller books (I just saw it in Parables on Tuesday), or have heard of the Prosperity Gospel, the idea that God just wants us to be happy and blessed. Or perhaps if you have heard teaching that is summed up as ways that you can improve yourself to be better.

I don’t believe that that is the Gospel - it is sin management, instead of a lifestyle of repentance and faith, complete dependence and hope in Jesus Christ alone for redemption, and transformation.

Driscoll is known for his very forthcoming style, and although he is a sinful man, just like myself (except a woman), and I don’t think he’s perfect, I really respect and appreciate him a lot. Many of the people I respect also respect and learn from him. I believe he is teaching the Gospel, so check it out if you’re interested.